the toughest thing i have had to do… ending a redemptive process so that the redemptive process can continue

Last year on this date of march 31 I understood and began to believe and personally experience what it meant to walk a life of redemption. Fitting that it was Easter and that I attended a church service  that was outdoors in the pouring rain, I guess you can say I had literally been made clean. Well for the juice of the story this Easter had pretty much nothing to do with it, but I had just returned from a trip to the middle east with a group of friends for a short trip over there. Yes the trip was great but it pushed me to my ends and when I hit my end I had nowhere to go except to a place of redemption. 

I have gone through some pretty difficult, intense, dark, testing circumstances in my life. I don’t want to compare or rank those times because that would be a joy killer, but what I want to display is a tough scenario that has become tough because I have been through all the previous trials. I may have not known it at the time but the dark, testing, difficult  messy trials had instilled hope in me. When I was going through  each situation I did not know or realize what I was putting my hope in.

Later as my perseverance was turning into character I realized that my hope was found in a sort of redemption. All the things that had tested me before had a purpose. They had a rhyme and reason like to show me that you never have to be at the end of your rope because there is always hope. Since there is always hope  and you can rejoice in your suffering.

You are probably asking what is this tough thing that the title refers too

Well, turn to the present, it is giving up on a process of redemption. You see redemption is a process. It is a grueling, painfully  slow process, but it so joyful and refreshing. It is that way because when things are redeemed then they are transformed they turn an old thing new, they make something bad into good, it brings hope out of despair. For me these things are all things I find true and have experienced on a personal level, but I had yet to enter into a process of redemption, at least a significant one, and give up on it. to quit, to back out, to recognize that this is not redemption anymore was the biggest feat. It was Something that all the hope in the world could not fix. There is a point when redemption does not become redemption anymore, there is a point when perseverance is not perseverance anymore and when it becomes a fight against  a wall. Fighting does not build character it just builds pain and resentment, and calluses. 

So why did I quit and why has this been so difficult?

Redemption is purely relational and there is a point when redemption digresses away from being redemptive. That is when the relationship is unhealthy  and yes it can be redeemed again, but hurt and pain will have to be dealt with in the most sympathetic time sensitive manner possible. Redemption takes full cooperation and desire from both parties and for this to happen there needs to be honesty and truth. The humbling and difficult part about this is that I did not come baring full truth and honesty and because I did not do that I started a crack in a redemptive process between myself and this other person. I did not realize this until the problem was imbedded in our process. This crack eventually built  into a split that brought us to a place where we could not trust each other  and growth had become absent. Redemption is a growing process and when it does not progress then it becomes unhealthy. This hurt so much because it was something I had responsibility of and I took the easy way out by not fully disclosing myself which is dishonesty. Not only did I hurt somebody I deeply cared about ; I had to give up on a process of redemption because it was no longer healthy. I broke trust, made somebody feel personally emotionally and spiritually rejected and disrespected which is the opposite of the basis of love and redemption. A restorative relationship can not happen if you keep on crashing. as one of the drivers of this redemptive car I needed to exit because I was causing some painful crashes and exiting a moving car hurts. ( this is a metaphor)

welcome to the opening of my house

Hello friends

Welcome and I thank you for visiting my house,. even though this is not my home I do look forward to welcoming you all into my life through the sharing of my writing. my house is not much to show you at the moment, but I will be adding many additions. Mi casa su casa. Come in make yourself at home and stay a while. i will be sharing much of what makes me, me, and i would like to be able to share and celebrate what makes you, you.

Here on my website you can find me writing about relationships, adventures, growth, development, activism, change, transformation, restoration, and justice. I value restoration and we all need to have things restored whether it is restorative justice, restorative education, environmental restoration, the restoring of relationships, or personal restoration of the heart mind and soul. our vision can often be clouded by many things whether it is a bias opinion or a clear case of just not being informed.

I would like to think I have some unique life experiences that share a special perspective on those things. I like to challenge myself and challenge others in their pursuit of growth. I have struggles and need help just as the least of us do, so your involvement in my blog writing and life pursuits is much appreciated and  encouraged.

My goal is to be as real as possible in my writing, but also to be loving and informative. As I will commonly say, I am human and I am broken and faulty, so I may speak from a place of ignorance or uninformed, but my intention is to put an idea or perspective out there to share with others whether it may be right or wrong. I encourage feedback and challenge flags to be thrown, but please be respectable towards the other readers and myself. I am somebody that is continually looking to learn and this is something i would like to promote, so please be informative and constructive with your input. However i will allow clear forms of sassiness to take place in a friendly manner.

I understand it is hard to not come into this blog and ask what am I going to get out of reading this, but it is going to be your input and participation in the conversation that is going to bring life in to this blog. If there is a topic you would me to bring up or that you would like to speak on in your own setting then please let me know and I would love to have you share your voice  in starting your own conversation. I want you to feel open and willing to share your opinion and life perspective. I enjoy and even prefer to share other peoples stories and perspectives, so please join and share.

My intention and desire for this blog is for this to be an area that is resourceful and encouraging and out of that I hope conversations can take place. This would be a place to gather for folks from all walks of life. my desire is to give and share  what I have had the privilege to experience and to have others join in with the contributions of their experiences. 

Much of my own writing will be based around my own personal experiences with restoration and the transformation of my own vision. Much of my world view has been shaped by my faith that has been developed as I have grown in my faith the past 3 years as I have followed Jesus. I think it is important to seek a life with a deep sense of purpose and meaning and I think we all have different ways of finding those things. so let’s share perspectives, stories, opinions, resources and help each other restore our vision.

Can i be real? Ya be real, be real real

We are taught as little kids that hide and seek is a great game to play as a pass time, but what I have realized is that we have internalized  that game with who we are. we hide ourselves behind facets that detour the direct resemblance of our heart. we always hear about drugs and alcohol  and even adultery as the go to things to describe this illusive behavior. in the beginning these things may be used in a manner to try to find out who we are. we hide behind many things  in our pursuit to find out who we are. our societal and cultural norms have promoted us to hide in fashion, body image, career, luxury and many other things. for me it was my relationship status, acceptance by peers and maintaining my work levels  to a standard that was made by others. this may not be too different from any other twenty something year old that is going through college, but that is just it. People see it as a small issue and it is not. when real authenticity of who we are is what we have wanted all along but we are not getting what we want and I will even argue need.

So how do we find real authenticity, well that has to come from relational experience, but first you have to be real with somebody else. As Cali Swag says in teach me how to dougie “you do you and imma do me,” so the question is left how are you going to do you. the real you the authentic you. for me I am writing this in hindsight so I can see what has helped me to see what had helped me worked towards being real and authentic. 

1.  See your heart 

Our hearts are deceitful  and misleading and knowing that about your own personal heart allows you to look at each particular situation from a place that requires you to look at your intentions  and motives.

2. Having others around that see you for you 

As I was sorting through this  self-emergence I had a dear friend ask me important questions and challenging characteristics of my identity. sometimes it takes another person to realize who you truly are and they can help the process. relationships with other humans, and maybe some times dogs, can be a mirror that reflects back to us who we are and give us helpful insight

 3. Attacking the lies

Finding objective truth is something hard to take on in this post, so I’ll save that one for a different time but there are lies that we believe that are not true. these lies trick us into believing that we are not worthy or that we are not valued so we try to make ourselves worth something. by creating  that illusion of worthiness we create a mask that we hide behind and make that search for authenticity that much harder. It is much easier to be real when you know what is true about yourself.

4. View through the lens of brokenness

We as humans have a tendency to not look at our faults or downfalls which leads to the mindset that we are good and we start to believe that we are inherently good. in acknowledging our brokenness we are able to take the position of humility and see that our hearts are not as good as we think they are, but it starts with seeing ourselves as broken. 

Being real and authentic is tough and is hard to do. I do not claim to know everything about it but I am here to share my experience as I continue to grow deeper in my authenticity. one thing that I do notice when I come into contact with authentic folks is that it seems they know something about themselves. I am not talking about that they are a good student or that they have memorized every lyric off the Beatles sergeant pepper album, but that they know they are loved. it’s not that I ask them if they know they are loved, but I can sense it in how free they are. They know what is true about themselves and they do not need to seek anymore. They know they are found.so I’ll  leave you with a question what is holding you back from being authentic?

Remember: “be real, be real real”( unknown)