I find it interesting how often we do not want to talk about the things that suck. , the things that are difficult, the things that are uncomfortable, or the things that are tough to make sense of. Right now there are two enormously demanding scenario’s playing out on two different sides of the world, one being the tragedy of the earthquake in Nepal and the other being the uprising in Baltimore in reaction to the death of Freddie grey. Both situations are in need of enormous amounts of compassion exemplified by walking with the people impacted and inserting yourself into where they are. These things suck, they are taxing, they are demoralizing, they are paralyzing, and disappointing. whether it be a death of a kid in Baltimore or a death of a child in Nepal they are both injustices, I have things I want to say about this injustices and how they should be addressed, but they are not my story to tell. I do not know Nepal and I do not know what it is like to be a person of color in Baltimore. I can support them and bring awareness , but I question is that what we really need. awareness was needed last week because now the fire is burning and damage is done and I do not mean this in a pun like manner but in a metaphorical manner that brings light to the problem that has persisted before these tragedies struck. We need to tell these stories, but more importantly we need to go ahead and tell other stories before they become an issue. We can not just speak about suicide when it becomes an issue we can not just speak about Ebola when it is in America we can not just speak about Haiti when an earthquake hits, but we need to speak. So those with a story, with pain, with inspiration, with tragedy, with no light at the end of the tunnel. So here is to sharing a story. It is not eh story that is predominate right now, but is still a story that needs to be shared. We need something for people to relate to, to bring the humanity back into struggles and into injustice. To start that I share this. It does not relate to the issue’s dominating the news waves, but it is a narrative that dominates many of our hearts in big and small ways.so take a listen here is the story I need to tell right now.
depression is a funny thing because you go through life in a way that you know you do not want to, but there is also knowledge that there is a reality out there we are not living in. there is something more and you keep stretching for it. we stretch and stretch and when something does not work or it feels like we have failed then it feels like our world has come to an end. we don’t have energy, joy, hope, motivation. some say we are like a rubber band and sometimes we just get stretched until we can not stretch anymore and we break, but I do not find that completely true because that breaking point is based on a set of feelings over particular circumstances and the effort that you put into moving forward. work is frail, efforts are dire and our motives waiver. experiences are positive and negative feelings go up and down and truth is difficult to cling too.
I think there is a difference between life sucking and fighting depression. circumstances build how we feel about life but it is difficult to shape our view of life by these experiences. for me personally when I have moved away from the feelings that these experiences provide I come to the reality of how I view myself, life and god. this is also what I have come to know as reality. for me depression is coming to the place that you do not view reality in a positive way and you view your reality as a deep valley that you are stuck in.
it just takes one punch to get knocked out, but takes a miracle to take a step forward. The hope level is at what feels like an all-time low and most of the time I believe that most things work against me. this is not a foundational belief, but something that is concluded from life’s circumstances. don’t get me wrong I believe, but I have a whole bunch of unbelief and any issue big or small that gets piled on makes me feel like my world is going to cave in because I do not have enough belief.
being real is the hardest thing. saying ok or alright to the proverbial how are you question is about the extent of the desire to let others into your life. not only do you not want to hash out your problems again because it is exhausting and makes you feel worse, but the taxation that you are experiencing is something that you do not want to put onto others. then there is the ego that tells you that nothing will get better by talking and you can talk somebody’s ear off and nothing will change because if you remember this is a heart issue not a circumstantial issue.
no money, no sex, no trip to the movies, no cartons of ice cream, no promotion, no child, no vacation will make things better. they are just cover ups. they are just positive experiences that allow us to live in a momentary alternate reality that does not last. escapism is so often convenient. most often it takes form in menial things like TV shows, video games books, and work. feelings do not want to be talked about because we are so tired of addressing our feelings. in fact I have noticed an apathy towards feelings because the only recollection of feelings are the negative ones. I would say there is even a feeling of wanting to do away with feelings all together. there is much more comfort found in being the numb blob state. I would say I am tired of having life be built on feelings. To conquer depression will take a reformation of foundation that will not be built on sand, but a sturdy rock. the one feeling that is not hard to describe and express is the one of being stuck or trapped.
there is a way, there is hope; oh really I have not heard that before. pardon my sarcasm it comes from a place of frustration of being told I hope you feel better or you will figure it out just give it time. I don’t want time and I don’t want your convenient dose of hope. If you find yourself about to say this the best thing you can do is enter in with questions, take time, remind the person that you care and that you would like to stay involved. that will be important and meaningful. it will take enormous amount of strength for the depressed person to let you in and if you let them off easy with a “nice” reply it will be received as rejection. that is the cold hard truth. words of truth are not meaningful enough, but truth that comes in the form of action will be the most crucial. The most meaningful thing to a depressed person is sacrifice. yes this may be important to anybody, but it means the most because it shows they are accepted for who the person is as a whole.
a joyful song is painful to a heavy heart. depression literally feels like you are in a valley and when the joys of life are celebrated in front of you it brings out the hardness of your heart. yes it may not be shown, but to you inside you despise it. you want emotions and feelings to cling to that are familiar and the joyful celebratory feelings are not them. they almost act like a taunt of this is where you are not. the energetic feel good music is something that does not vibe with you and you just want to get away from it when it is around you. it reminds you of everything you are not and when you are trying to return back to a healthy balance this reminds you of the shame and guilt that still lies beneath the harden skin.
despising niceness seems to be a common occurrence because you want to find meaning in your suffering and the nice fluffy stuff does not cut it. it seems so fake and not worth anything that you would rather it not be there than to endure it. you long for genuine connection and when others have it you become jealous. It is so hard to open because each time you open up a bit you are making yourself vulnerable. To give that nice response seems so difficult because life does not seem nice and saying any of the standard reply’s to how are you which are alright, ok, and good; does not feel adequate or even correct. Being honest while depressed is like trying to balance a ball on your nose while standing a ball. You have to balance two different ends; the weight of the world and the weight you put onto others. the last thing you feel is right as somebody that is depressed is to impose on somebody. Finding the balance of being able to ask for help and dealing with the reality is paralyzing. Like I said sacrifice is going to be what allows us to move forward out of the depression because it will allow us to have the comfort to cry out for help. If you get one thing out of this remember that sacrifice displays acceptance.
This was extremely hard for me to post, I have had it written for a while, but had not posted it. there are important things going on in the world and in each one of us, so please listen, please try to understand, each of us just wants to be accepted so give us an opportunity to explain ourselves.
Please share your story, write it and display it. if you do not have a place to display it, come here and I will provide space for you. I do not want this to take place of any other important issue’s going on, but I want this to be an invitation. The experience you live in is the experience that others see and sharing that story will happen one way or another, so come share your story. It Is important.
It may be difficult, but it is important.