the great disconnect: being honest about love and purpose

do you ever feel so close to something but yet still feel so far from something. I am not sure if there is a word to describe that feeling, but that is the way I have felt for the past 3 or so months. the only way that I can think to relate it is a lamp with a cord that is not plugged in. I guess you can call the feeling disconnected, but it is more substantial than just disconnecting the plug from the outlet, probably just because feelings are involved, but I’ll go ahead and call this the great disconnect. like the disconnected lamp there is not much light in life. it is like walking around at night during a power outage, you can not see what is coming up , but you got to keep walking because you believe the light will turn back on soon.
not much in life was making sense or seemed like it was going in my favor. it was frustrating. I did not want to be where I was , but there was no plan I could conceive to change my situation. I just had to sit and embrace where I was. that was difficult. it was like an eye of a storm. the pillage was over, but I knew I would have to go back and repair what was broken. I could not rush the dissipation of this storm and I felt I was in a holding cell in the eye of this storm, so all I could do is wait, embrace, and call for help.
the storm is dissipating. they say time heals everything, whoever they is I want to tell them that they are misleading because love is needed to heal. in fact henry Cloud and john Townsend say that grace aka love is needed alongside time for growth to happen. this is the great disconnect played out in a very simple way. we can not wait for the light to plug itself back in because that will never happen, but we need to seek love because that is what will make everything connect.
for me it was one of the hardest things to seek love because I did not believe I was lovable or worthy of love, so all I had was time and let me tell you that time did not feel very purposeful. I can look back over that period of time and see that it did have meaning, but that is only in Hine site because I know I would not be where I am now. I am still having a hard time being comfortable telling people that I am good because I have not seen anything that has changed in my life. just writing this I gained a helpful word; that nothing has needed to change because I have been loved the whole time. my feelings dictated by my experiences with other people have shaped how I view myself and that has become futile to how I view life. the experience that I most often live in is one that is built around love being conditional and change instead of intentionally unconditional steadfast love.
when I stopped writing a few months ago I did it not because I did not feel authentic or that I did not like it, but because I did not see the purpose in it anymore because I did not see the purpose in myself. Essentially I did not believe my voice mattered. I was not worthy to have my voice to be heard and I did not believe that I was loved. I did not have love and I did not have purpose, so I believed for that period of time, so I shut down and I quit . so often I believe this is true at many of the purposeful things that we throw the rag in on. There is a time to quit something and there is a time to persevere knowing the difference is important. Distinguishing perseverance from quitting is easiest done in the foundation of love and this is where the reconnection starts to take place. The great disconnect is still a battle for me, but I know the more I come to live in the reality of the unconditional love given to me the more I will be able to live out my purpose in its full entirety. I will be plugged in, connected and full of light to share with the rest of the world when this happens.

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